From the Depths of My Intellect...

Hello, everyone, and thank you for coming to my TED Talk, A Safe and Effective Method for Discovering Small Cuts and Abrasions In the Human Hand Using Only Fresh Bacon (Or: The Perils of Grabbing Greasy Things, Part VIII).

We've got some extra time today, so I will also be including a bonus module on Wilbur's Revenge: How to Stab Yourself and Others (But Mostly Yourself, Let's Be Real) with Extra Crispy Bacon.

I'll Pretend I Did This for a Deep and Meaningful® Reason Later

Me:  I'm starting a new handwritten journal in honor of my 35th Birthday! (And I'll actually keep this one going, for real this time.) Yay! 

Also Me: +gets distracted while breaking the spine, forgets to turn back to page 1, and just starts writing Entry 1 on the first blank page, which is in the middle of the book, and doesn't notice for 6 pages+

Still Me: +Minor, but absolutely legit OMG-this is now Out of Order and the World Will Die freakout+ Okay. Be cool. We can work with this. Just keep going and finish this, the First Entry in the 35th Birthday Journal of 2019. We will get through this.

I Contain Multitudes, Apparently: Wow! That went really well. My handwriting is out of practice and I can't feel my fingers anymore, but I actually made sure I will remember important stuff about my life. And also something about Charter Spectrum cable service. Whatever. Elite. I think starting in the middle actually helped, because I totally avoided any First Page Intimidation. I did that on purpose. Absolutely. Totes.